The light of Truth, when it shines upon your darkness, is liberating, inspiring, uplifting and transformative. Allow yourself to go through what you must go through so that you can put a vibration out in the Universe of transcendence, of overcoming, of victory. Rev. Deborah L. Johnson, the Sacred Yes
About a month ago I made a calculated, but difficult decision. I decided to ‘come out’ to my Sorority sisters that I pledged with over 20 years ago. For those who are less familiar with the term ‘come out’, it means to reveal that you have same gender loving behavior, generally known to most as homosexual behavior. I will hitherto refer to it as letting your light shine because I believe that in this state one is no longer living in the closet of despair, but rather the fullness their being.
So I sent my Sisters an email describing my experience with being confronted about my sexual identity years ago and shared with them how I felt both fear and isolation as a result of being confronted about something which I considered to be quite personal. (See A Letter to My Sisters). Although I was nervous before I hit the send button, I was determined that I was going to follow through with my decision. I checked my email constantly anxiously awaiting responses. As replies began to appear in my inbox, I was comforted and moved by the words of my Sisters. All of the replies were positive and encouraging. There were also personal testimonies that were powerful and spoke to why it was necessary for me to make this declaration and break my silence.
Here are a few of the emails I received,
Thanks for sharing what you're doing. You won't believe this... When I was 17, I had a baby boy out of wedlock. My mom sent me to a home for unwed mothers and had him put up for adoption. I spent most of my adult life looking for him, Well, nine years ago, my baby boy and I were reunited and guess what! He's gay!!! I'd waited for 32 years; I hadn't seen him since he was 2 days old. I'd love to tell you more about that reunion sometimes, but it was amazing how love served to minimize his "gayness" as a mere "non-issue"! He and I have remained very close since we found each other.
While I helped to organize the Fredericksburg Area Alumni Chapter, I had to pull away. While I love DST with all my heart, I felt DST didn't love me, didn't want me, didn't support me. I'm proud to say that I am a Delta - Iota Chapter, 1963. Delta saved me and gave me values when I most needed them. I am also proud to say that I am a lesbian. I pray that there can be a resolve. . .
I am a bisexual woman. I am also a Finer Woman of Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Inc. I would like to thank you for writing "Living My Truth". Thank you for all the hard work you are putting in to our community. It took me a LONG time to learn to love ME for who I really am, and I refuse to let anyone belittle me or take away what I worked for hard for (they tried and almost succeeded).
I would love to meet u and share some of my similar stories. The Alpha Kappa Alpha version....
And Finally,
Some folk would like to say that if there’s no shame in your game then you have nothing to fear about how you live your life. The reality is, even if you don’t have fear, even if your friends and family provided a safe and loving support system in spite of their personal beliefs and preferences - there are enough people out there who harbor enough hatred, simply because of who you love, that they would do you physical harm.
These emails ‘pushed me from pain and pulled me toward vision’. I was relieved to know that Sisters of my own sorority and other sororities felt compelled to respond although I felt somewhat ambiguous. On the one hand there were inspirational messages, and on the other, were real stories of rejection that obviously dwelled in the depths of some of these Sisters’ inner being. I was also reminded of the dangers I could face as I walked freely letting my light shine.
My decision to let my light shine and to live my life openly as an African American lesbian began two years ago. I had been living a closeted life in my hometown prior to meeting my partner. When we began seeing each other and she discovered that I was closeted, she was clear with me that she lived her life openly and that if we were to become involved, I would have to be ‘out’ as well. I conceded because I love her and I deemed it easy to be ‘out’ anywhere except where I lived. While at home, I was comfortable having people assume my sexual identity and I represented the belief that it was my business who I loved. After all, I had learned to navigate the heterosexual world by lying to everyone and myself. So when I moved in with her, I reasoned that I would start a fresh new life and began by being honest about who I am and practicing existentialism. I would simply exist without reservation or apologies. I would be unapologetically me.
I relocated to the DC Metro area and began my new teaching position that year. Within a couple of months, I informed my colleagues that I was gay and partnered. I didn’t make an announcement at a staff meeting or over lunch, I did what my partner suggested I do, which was to ‘normalize’ my life. So I began to speak of her and our relationship in the same light as everyone else who spoke of their relationships. Instead of referring to my partner as a male and shift the pronouns so that I was not ‘promoting’ my sexuality or sexual identity, I spoke of her and esteemed her as the wonderful woman she is. To my surprise my colleagues were accepting and didn’t seem to care. I’m confident I was no more whispered about than the teacher everyone assumed was pregnant because of her weight gain.
Soon I found that I was not concerned at all with my colleague’s responses, but more so my own feelings of freedom and elation. I taught 9th and 11th grade English at the time, and one of the poetry lessons I was assigned to teach was to have my students compare the works of Nikki Giovanni and Audre Lorde. This lesson became a beacon of light for me. Teaching the poetry of these powerful African American lesbian Sisters helped me to recognize the inner light that I had practiced denying and navigating around. I felt our symmetry as strong sisters who carry the light of who we are and shine our light be just ‘being’. I also began to respond and even vocalize one of Sister Audre’s most intensely powerful quotes, ‘your silence will not protect you!”
I began to review my life and ask myself was being silent to the many people I worked, prayed and interacted with in any way protecting me? Was hiding my light preventing a part of my inner most being from shining? I began to reflect on when I founded Sisters Rising Female Education, Enlightenment and Empowerment Mentoring Organization. I was a teacher at the time and female students would always flock to me. In the groups of girls that joined the organization, some were openly gay. A couple of them approached me one day and asked that I start a rainbow chapter of the organization. I explained to the young women that, while I liked the idea, I was not prepared to have such a chapter. What really stopped me from embracing this idea was fear. I didn’t want the Sisters of my Sorority or other sponsors who funded the program to withdraw their support. I was afraid Sisters Rising would be labeled a ‘gay’ organization. I thought that someone may interpret my interactions with these young ladies as my desire to prey on them or push my ‘gay agenda’. Fear is dangerous. It can paralyze and prevent you from finding your true authentic self. I now see how my fear and silence caused me to fail some young women who looked up to me. I did not explore the depths of my thinking until much later. I arrived at this truth through much reflection and introspective thinking. I acknowledged my light.
My biggest fear was that the women’s ministry that I served would distance themselves from me if I confirmed I was gay. At the time I had not reconciled my sexuality with my faith. This reconciliation would come later in a series of articles I am presently writing called Out to God. But I began to seek spiritual truth during the next year when I transitioned out of teaching in the classroom into working for an organization that supports families and friends of lesbian and gay persons. I was now working at a job where I had to no longer fear discussing or expressing who I am. Actually my sexuality was an asset to understanding these young people. I began to advocate for youth who were bullied and harassed at school because of their same gender loving behavior. I also led support groups for gay and lesbian youth. As I worked with these young people, I confirmed my calling; to work with young people. My partner pointed out to me that I was now able to redeem myself for my earlier failure to support the young gay women in my organization.
The majority of these youth in my groups attended church. Many were victims of inflammatory sermons about their impending dissent into hell. Many were engaging in risky behaviors because they were hiding or suppressing their light from their families and friends. They respected their mothers, fathers and grandmothers, despite being thrown out of their homes or denied interaction with their siblings and family members. They often compromised themselves to be someone that their loved ones expected them to be. Their pain was real and quite sad. How could anyone tell their child that she is forever dead and no longer their daughter? I found myself in need of a conversation with my Spiritual Mother. I felt it was time for full disclosure. I called her and shared with her my ‘secret’ and told her about an article I was writing called, Out to God. She did exactly what every mother should; she told me she loved me. Little did she know that her love and affirming acceptance of me gave me the strength to carry my message of love and comfort to the young people who are in the midst of their struggles. I felt the power of speaking my truth wash over me like a calm river. I couldn’t wait to tell my partner.
A little more than a year later, I reconciled with my deep desire to be honest with my Sorority Sisters. A select few knew and respected my privacy. I was no different than those young people who were seeking acceptance who feared the consequence of isolation. I needed to be as brave as some of them. I began to speak my truth when I began a new initiative at my job to start outreach to the African American community. Truly our people are a difficult community when navigating sexuality and will require much hard work. Initially, I approached this task gingerly, until I reviewed previous attempts to reach our community. I was momentarily discouraged and then I began to read a wonderful book that my Spiritual Mother gave me; the Sacred Yes by Rev. Deborah L. Johnson. The book has taught me to reexamine myself and to become aware of my inner most being and my light of authenticity. As I read it, I became distinctly aware of my connection to the world. When I wasn’t living my truth, I was disconnected. Embracing my honesty has opened my eyes to see my life and the world as an exciting journey filled with possibility. I believe that the Divine is ordering my steps to not only reach out to young people, but to connect with all of the people whom I have met over the years. I also believe that in this process I will reach my community.
I also understand that while shining my light I will attract many; its brightness will repel some. Although I have been preparing my theological discourse, I know that the way to reach my people is love. Disputes about the interpretation of scripture have caused endless debates and disconnection in our community. But there is no room for debate when we look at the simplest response to hatred and bigotry, love. Love is your children, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts, grandmothers, cousins, friends and whomever else you hold close. When asked if homosexuality is a sin, I now ask that each of us looks at the people close to us and you will discover the answer is already there in front of you. I implore everyone to love or family members and friends and rather than condemn them. Do not hate what you do not understand. The basis for all hatred and anger is fear. Address what you fear most. Do not make the most important of spiritual virtues difficult to comprehend. In the words of Reverend Johnson,
The riddles of your life are right in front of you. They have been staring you in the face all the time. It is not that you need new information; what you need is a new interpretation of what is in front of you. You need to see it differently.
What I asked of my Sisters was to love me. I asked them to reexamine what is in front of them and see it differently. Look without judgment. But on a much broader scale, I asked them to look at those whom they love. I asked them to support the light that shines within themselves and others and to use their light to view their love ones, their faith and their sources of inspiration in a different way. I asked them to question themselves with an open an honest heart and to accept and affirm their families and friends. Most importantly, I asked them to reexamine their core traditional values and face their fears. As a people, recognizing, confirming, accepting and loving gay and lesbian family members and friends is one of the single most important challenges of the African American community. I believe that the resounding response I received of support when I sent this letter is evidence that my Sisters have a wealth of compassion and understanding. I only asked that they spread the love they showed me to world and let their light shine. I think this email sums it up
…life is too short and is too precious to let people's negativity stop one from being true to one's self…when one truly has a relationship with God and understands the value of life....one understands that one must not judge, but try to understand and love another for who that person is.
I now know that when I revitalize my organization, there will be a rainbow chapter. Just as I conquered my fear of sharing my truth with my Sorority Sisters, I will continue to conquer the fears of my community. And I will forever be aware that by shining my light, there will be sisters who may be struggling that will reconcile there own lives by realizing that there is peace in truth, and calm in liberation. I am seeking Sisters who want to share stories of positive relationships they have with family members and friends who are gay or lesbian so that we can end the burdensome stone of fear that we carry in the hidden places of our heart and the shame heaped upon us by the people we love. I’m looking for more in our community to shine their light for truth and justice.
I invite those who read this artcle to join me on my path of truth. Live your own truth and shine your light!
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