What was Once Lost: 

Re-lighting the Lamp of Your Soul

When I was younger, space and time appeared to move slowly. I danced through life making a series of bad choices countered at times by good karma. I did everything I thought other people wanted me to do and beat myself up when I made choices that disappointed them. I was also not genuine nor living an authentic life. I was ‘being’ who everyone thought I should be and lost sight of who I was destined to be. But the death of so many of my friends and the many changes in my own life, made me realize just how important it is to create the life you want to live. We are here on this planet for only a brief shining moment. Our light, no matter how bright it shines, is extinguished and others are left to carry the torch. But what happens when you cannot see your light? What happens when your lamp has been extinguished? Can you find your way back? The answer is a resounding ‘yes’, but you may have to pull yourself from the very depths of despair to shine. I wrote this very personal blog for anyone who may find themselves wanting to shine again.

One day I woke up alone. I no longer earned an income. In fact, I owned less than half of the possessions I had accumulated just five years prior. My resources were beyond limited. I had been dismissed from my two jobs within a span of 4 years. The first job tested every ounce of my patience, left me bitter, and on anti-depressants. The second job overwhelmed me with work and then dismissed me when I expressed that I needed my personal time to pursue my own life interests and could no longer have a job that consumed my evenings and weekends. To add insult to injury, my relationship deteriorated, I was forced to move from my apartment and my car was repossessed. These events felt more devastating than anything else in my entire life. I learned very quickly who my true friends were- those who love your laughter, don’t always have patience for your tears. Only true friends will stand by you when you are in a state of sadness. I cried…a lot. I didn't love me anymore and felt incapable of loving anyone else.

At some point I wondered why me? I considered myself a ‘good’ person. I had been generous and kind. But then it occurred to me, why not me? I wasn't leading an authentic life. Although I had a strong work ethic, I was haughty about my private indiscretions and boastfully bragged about them.  I needed a big dose of humility and the universe saw fit that I was humbled in multiple ways that knock me down several pegs.

See I have always known that I needed to work on certain areas of my life, but there were other areas that I never thought needed work. I spent a great deal of time in denial. I was trying to convince myself that I was ‘alright’, but I wasn't. Nothing I seemed to do pulled me from what I now recognize was a mental breakdown. I had seen it happen to my friends and past lovers, but now it was my turn and there was no one there to help me put on my oxygen mask. No one was there to hold my hand.

Then I did something I had never done before. I began introspectively thinking about the paths that lead to where I was on my journey. My life had always been in motion. I ran from everything I feared. I realized I needed to sit still and just ‘be’. I needed to quiet the voices in my head that made me afraid. I needed to let myself off the cross for not being a good partner, for not having a job, for not honoring my body…I needed to let go of some things. Most importantly, I had to let go of my ego and need to control the outcome of situations and circumstances.

When I was able to quiet my spirit, an amazing thing happened. The sadness and fear that overwhelmed my life and space lifted its shadow of darkness. I felt renewed and had more clarity than ever. I began to read and write again. I also begin to address my fears of being settled and aging. I paid close attention to my mind, body and spirit. I began to peel away the layers of despair to find who I really was. I learned to love myself and to accept my flaws and idiosyncrasies.

When the dust cleared, I realized that I was still worthy of love and capable of loving. I felt stronger and more capable as an authentic spirit.  I recognized that the kinder gentler side that I showed to others, I now needed to show toward myself. I needed to pamper myself more and encourage myself to follow my dreams and reconnect with myself as a writer and artist. I realized that I could not compromise myself and my happiness for anyone else. Self-sacrificing behavior will render a strong person weak in all the wrong ways. But that was the first half of my life.

So here I am at 48 years old with more white-hair than my mother, but healthier and more at peace than ever. I feel like a fresh new bud, waiting for the sun to tease it open. I know that the second half of my life will be about loving and not about possessions. I have learned that I can survive on a lot less. I have no desire, but to own what I need and to dismiss much of the frivolity and anxiety connected to ‘living to work’. I now prefer ‘working to live’. This new beginning is so liberating. I feel like I am finally living on my own terms. I found a way to light my lamp again!

During my struggle in a darkened space, I adopted the following affirmations that may help you if you find yourself trying to find your light.

• Begin each new day with a mediation of gratitude. Not everyone has the blessing of this day. Take stock of who you hold dear and express your gratitude for ports in the storm.
• Take care of your WHOLE self. Remember to attend to your mind, body and spirit. Exercise, eat healthy, and rid your mind of self-limiting thoughts. You cannot rise up if you cannot let go. Make a commitment to you and your health. 
• Reduce stress and worry. A wise person once said, “Worry is a down payment on tomorrow’s trouble.” Don’t waste precious time fretting about tomorrow because if you do, you just wasted today.
• Be aware of the thoughts you cultivate. Negative thoughts will not grow positive seeds. Your thoughts can either make you or break you. Say kind words of encouragement to yourself.
• Be aware of the beauty that surrounds you because it is a reflection of you. Every day we walk this earth, we hold up the mirror of our souls. What you send out into the universe, reflects back on you.
• Stay peaceful even when confronted with anger, resentment and disdain. According to the I Ching, if the center is not still, outer movement is unpredictable. Stand firm in who you are and meet anger with kindness. Remain centered and you will become more aware and good things will be attracted to you.
• Before speaking ask yourself, is it true, is it kind, is it necessary. All three must be true in order for you to speak into someone else’s life.

AND FINALLY

LAUGH and LOVE as much and as deeply as possible. If you are able to commit to loving you, all else will fall into place…Here’s to relighting your lamp!